These days, there’s been a random thought sitting in my brain. And somehow, I never really knew how to put it into words. So, as usual, I’m trying to make sense of it by writing it down.
By now, you’re probably pretty familiar with my dating history. I like sharing little stories, thoughts, and experiences. Partly because some of them are genuinely funny, but also because maybe someone out there relates to them in one way or another. And let’s be honest, during my time here in Korea, I’ve had some pretty wild dates. Some people I met more than once, others were just brief little crossings of paths. Nice conversations, good food, shared moments – but nothing meant to last longer than that.
And over time, I started thinking. A lot. Which, if you know me by now, is probably the least surprising thing ever.
Lately, I’ve caught myself wondering if maybe I’m just meant to be alone. And no, I don’t mean that in a dramatic or tragic way. Honestly, dating is fun sometimes. But it can also very quickly turn into a pool of self-doubt, overthinking, questioning, and disappointment. Especially if you’re already someone whose brain likes to analyse every little thing.
I think lately I’ve been observing my own life from the sidelines a little bit. The people I meet, the conversations I have, the feelings that come and go. And somewhere along the way, I quietly started believing that maybe my person just… isn’t out there.
Writing that down actually makes me a little sad. Which is funny, because a few lines ago I said it wasn’t a sad thought. But I think what makes me sad isn’t necessarily the idea of being alone. It’s more the feeling that I lost something. Maybe hope. Maybe the belief that love could eventually find me. I don’t really know yet. And maybe I also feel sad for the lover girl inside of me.
I know, if you met me in real life, I probably wouldn’t strike you as the typical “lover girl.” I can come across pretty calm, independent, maybe even emotionally detached sometimes. But deep down? I love romance.
I would love receiving flowers for no reason. Random little things because someone saw them and thought of me. And honestly, maybe that’s why I do those things for my friends all the time. I would love finding my person someday. Spending quiet evenings together. Cuddling on the couch while watching some absolutely horrible movie with a terrible plot.
The lover girl in me still wants all of that. But my realistic side, the one quietly observing from the sidelines, just shakes her head. Because she already convinced herself that maybe love simply isn’t meant for me in this lifetime. And I think she’s trying to protect the softer part of me from getting hurt again and again. Because she sees how much it hurts her every time.
And today, I don’t want to end this post with “but that’s okay.” Because honestly? It’s not. And the lover girl in me deserves more than just brushing those feelings aside and pretending I’m okay with something I’m clearly still struggling with. She deserves space to feel sad about it. To mourn something that somehow feels like a loss, even though it was never really mine to begin with.
So today, I just wanted to share this thought with you. I still don’t fully know how I feel about it. Maybe with time it will become okay. Maybe things will change. Maybe they won’t.
But right now? Right now, I think I’ve lost faith a little bit in the idea that true love will ever find me. And maybe that’s why, lately, I’ve started thinking that perhaps I’m simply meant to be by myself. Again.
matcha latte on a rainy night 