The City is Lonely

By MaL

As someone with nearly 30 years of lived experience singleness, I’m convinced that life would be easier as a team of two. And cheaper. Remember the time you tried to replace your duvet cover and the duvet never made it to the corners? Or the time you wanted to purchase an oyster farm experience but had to pay double as a party of one?

With almost everyone around me planning their weddings or starting their own families, it can feel lonely, even for the toughest of us. I was just at the wedding of two people who knew each other since primary school, rekindled in high school, he moved, and 10 years later convinced her to move to where he was. Of course, she did. What the ****, is this a movie???

I believe that there are more of us soloists out there than you think. I’ve seen the man by the bar window, fiddling with his choice of beverage yet his eyes scanning; the woman at the small table, with a good book in hand yet her gaze wandering outside its pages. (I should note that I’m being presumptuous here; these characters may have somebody and simply choose to spend some time by themselves. Nonetheless, in those moments, they’re on their own. And both scanning and wandering on their phones.)

We’re almost never alone in this day and age. We’re more connected with each other than ever before. However, despite this high-speed connectivity, loneliness continues to rise. Three in ten Americans feel lonely, while in Australia (where I live), two in five young adults experience the same. So what is it that we’re not getting?

For those who long to be with someone, perhaps the answer is not to meet more people as social media and its mob of instant-gratification-seekers would suggest. Instead, we may find what we’re looking for through deepening the connections that we already have with fellow humans around us.

All sounds good and well until we become distracted by 296 other things, 289 of them rooted in the convenience of technology and our devices. We text and “like” and comment, and we do those things for prolonged periods before we’re willing to get off our asses and go physically see a friend. It also takes us about 36 years of texting before we’re willing to go on an actual date because why should we get dressed for someone we don’t know? Sarah Wilson called this ‘connection lite’.

Don’t get me wrong, having the technology to connect is fabulous. I can connect with people, access information, and have my Cholula hot sauces delivered straight from Chile Mojo to my door. However, the more we indulge in all of this, the more it hinders our human ability to genuinely connect, which is what we all crave deep down.

So maybe it’s time to be courageous to be vulnerable. The next time you’re on your way, make the extra turn, park your car, and knock on your friend’s door. I’ll always remember that evening when Georgia knocked on my door and gave me a bottle of cider; she didn’t come in, we didn’t hang out, but it deepened our connection in the most wholesome way.

When Emma and Sally moved into the unit upstairs, I helped them move a desk into their apartment, proceeded to exchange numbers, and invited them to various social events after that. They never showed up to any of them, which is totally fine, and I stopped sending out invitations in consideration of their intention to just be neighbors.

I was vulnerable, took multiple initiatives. And sometimes your efforts are reciprocated, and you end up in a meaningful connection. Other times, you find yourself in the pit of rejection. But the bottom line is I tried, and each time I do so, I practice being vulnerable.

This is also how Manu and I became friends. While we were both strangers traveling in Japan, we decided to go beyond our phones and meet each other in real life. And here I am writing on her blog.

So turn off your screens, put down your devices and yes, get dressed for your first date, it is the only way to truly get to know someone. It takes time, effort and a roll of the dice, but your happiness is worth the investment.

4 August 2024

MaL

Hello, I am Mal. I am a Sydney-based lawyer by trade and a creative by passion. I met Manu while traveling through Japan, and we quickly bonded over our ordinary lives inspired by extraordinary ambitions. I believe that life is a never-ending messy, complicated, and wonderful journey of discovery, whether of the self, of others, or of the world at large. Thank you for reading my writing, I hope that it stirs something in you, even if it is just a little bit.