I had a conversation with a friend recently that stirred up some old feelings. And, as usual, this is just me trying to unpack it all – one thought at a time.
Let me start by saying: I was never the one in the friend group who got attention. No pity party here – my friends have always been stunning (and still are – love you guys 😉). But growing up, when I was way more insecure than I am now, this used to really bother me. You know, those typical nights out where the guys at the bar would only look at my friends, buy them drinks, or try to talk to them. And somehow I’d just be standing there, invisible.
Some people might call that being “the ugly friend.” But I don’t. That wouldn’t be fair to the version of me who was just doing her best back then, quietly fighting her own battles. Especially while secretly struggling with body image and self-worth. And trust me – if you’re already unsure of yourself, those situations don’t exactly help. You start spiraling. Questioning everything. But you don’t talk about it. You just shove the sad stuff somewhere deep inside and try to keep smiling.
Fast-forward to now. I’ve grown a lot. I’ve done the work, I know my worth (most days anyway – let’s be real, we all have off days), and I feel comfortable in my skin way more often than not. These days? I really don’t care much if I’m not the center of attention. If people gravitate toward my friends instead, so be it. There are far better things to focus on — and honestly, if someone doesn’t notice me, well… their loss.😉
But – and there is a but – that conversation with my friend brought something up that caught me off guard. We were talking about types. You know, like when people say “he’s totally my type” or “she’s not really what I usually go for.” It was a light conversation, mostly. But at one point, I caught myself thinking: Has anyone ever looked at me and thought, “She’s my type”? It’s such a random question, right? But I couldn’t shake it.
When people describe me, it’s usually things like: “She’s always there for the people she loves,” or “She’s kind and dependable.” And don’t get me wrong – I love that. Those are things I’m proud of. But it made me wonder if I’ve ever been chosen based on the kind of spark that comes from instant physical or romantic attraction. Like – would someone ever describe me as their ideal type? Looks-wise?
I honestly don’t know where that thought came from – it just showed up. And while we’re being honest here, I’ll also say this: some of my friends regularly tell me how beautiful they think I am. And even though I’m still working on actually believing it (especially because I think they are even more beautiful), I try to hold on to those words. Because, I guess beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.
And when it comes down to it, we all have different preferences – in looks, energy, personality, all of it. The people who see me, really see me, might not shout it from the rooftops. But I’m sure I’ve been someone’s type before. And if I haven’t? That’s okay, too. So I’m going to go ahead and label this little spiral as random, let it pass, and not dig too deep this time.
matcha latte on a rainy night 